A group of us recently gathered on Zoom to discuss Mark Gregory Karris’ Religious Refugees: (De)Constructing Toward Spiritual and Emotional Healing. The group included both people who were deconstructing and those outside the experience who wanted to learn more. (Unsure what deconstruction means? Here is a brief overview: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Faith_deconstruction.)
It is worth noting that people who are in the midst of deconstruction intersect greatly with other groups we will look at throughout the year. This is not a discreet category of would be worshippers. Therefor this is a good starting point for learning about how to make more room at the table for a broad spectrum of spiritual seekers.
Initial reactions to the book were mixed. There was some anger and frustration with the first section of the book. Folks who had not experienced the types of church hurt Karris describes were put off by his anger about these things. As a former evangelical, Karris experienced damaging teachings that were familiar to only about half of our group. Some of us who have been through this personally resonated with what he was saying, but even within this group, it felt too emotionally charged for some. There we several primary categories of concern. As a therapist, Karis seemed unresolved in his own issues. As a pastor, his theology seemed a little off (and a bit misogynistic around the edges). As a writer, he seemed in need of a better editor. In other words, for some of us, the beginning of the book was just frustrating, (To be fair, there were others who did not stumble over these issues.)
One member of the group pointed out that these emotional reactions were a call to examine ourselves and why we individually reacted as we did, which was valuable. Even in the early chapters where we did not have a consensus of positive feelings, there was value in the discussions raised. All too often, there is animosity between those who may fall onto the deconstructing side and those who do not because of a lack of understanding. This book helped us raise questions together that can help us move forward to break some of the negative cycles present within the church.
The question in front of us throughout our time together was how to make what we were learning actionable. As we began to imagine ways we could rethink and reform church, here were just some of the things that rose to the surface in our discussions:
We need to find ways past our differences.
We don’t have to agree.
We need to recognize the small “t” traumas.
Love is an action.
We need to meet people where they are.
Listen more.
We need to look at our own selves.
We need each other’s stories.
The collective feelings about the book shifted as we reached the third and final section. For those who may choose to read this book, I highly recommend sticking with it until this part. From my own reading notes from this section, I would like to expand the list of considerations for creating more inclusive worshipping communities.
We need to create places where we can safely share our stories, where our deep emotions are allowed, and where we can let go of the façade of perfectionism. This is accomplished through building genuine relationships and deeply empathetic listening.
We need help to learn to love ourselves. We can do this through unravelling damaging doctrines and being careful with our theology. This involves a focus on self-kindness, our common humanity, and mindfulness practices.
We need to allow for diverse experiences of God, which includes giving space for people’s personal experiences. This involves being mindful of how we pray.
Our group also had a discussion about some physical aspects of worship that was inspired by the latter part of the book. For example, for some people with past church traumas, worship activates the primitive fight or flight response. This makes it difficult to sit still. Similarly, for folks with various physical and neurological differences, a long service of sitting may not be a fitting form of worship. We need to recognize and accept freedom for movement within worship. We also need to be attentive to accessibility issues. Little things can send bit messages about who is or is not included. We aren’t all the same, and the spaces and practices we use to grow spiritually need to reflect this.
We will be reading various books this year as we learn about who is missing around our tables and how to make more room for them. Some will be for one time discussion groups, some for longer studies, and some for reading on your own. Titles during the next several months will include:
Transforming: The Bible and the Lives of Transgender Christians by Austen Hartke
Unchurching: Christianity Without Churchianity by Richard Jacobson
We Were Spiritual Refugees: A Story to Help You Believe in Church by Katie Hayes
Church of the Wild: How Nature Invites Us Into the Sacred by Victoria Loorz
If you are interested in learning with us through one or more of these titles, please reach out to me at stacydeyerle.thegaytonkirk@gmail.com.